E...is for Eye Contact

Eye contact is one of the most powerful skills for social connection and one of the most straightforward to practice. 

I first discovered the power of eye contact when I moved to New York City. Newly arrived and eager to connect, I was striking up conversations with women on the street and quickly realized that having strong and confident eye contact was as, if not more, important than the words coming out of my mouth.

Nowadays I have two modes of eye contact. The first is my default mode of steady but gentle eye contact, conveying to others that I am safe, that I respect them, and that I respect myself. I always try to maintain this level of eye contact with whomever I meet. Calm and assured.

The second mode kicks in when I seek a deeper connection. In this mode, I bring an extra dose of presence while staring more intently into the other person’s eyes. I’m fishing for clues about who they are, what they’re like, and what stories they might carry. I’m noticing how their eyes dart around as they speak, how often they blink and how long they stare, the movement of their head.

But Mastering Eye Contact Can Be Challenging...

Because of our evolutionary wiring, eye contact can be difficult. When we look at someone, we are subconsciously assessing safety, value, or potential sexual interest. This can generate feelings of fear or anxiety, which can be very challenging for those suffering from social anxiety or a lack of confidence.

My suggestion here is to breathe and slow things down. Relax. Remember that the person in front of you is simply that, a person.

My second suggestion is incremental exposure. Practice eye contact by:

• Looking at oneself in the mirror. 

• Looking right above the person’s eyes, sort of faking it. 

• Looking at just one eye, minimizing exposure.

As you practice, train yourself to hold your gaze for just a second longer. Imagine it like a muscle that you’re building. At first, it may be difficult or scary, but over time (and not very long at that), it will become second nature.

My third suggestion is to reframe your purpose for eye contact, one not focused on desire or fear, but curiosity and love.

Let me explain what I mean… 

Seeing a Person’s Soul Through Their Eyes

A couple of years ago, I was at a spiritual retreat. There, a group of us took turns staring into each other’s eyes for five minutes at a time. For the first couple of minutes, we giggled and fidgeted, but eventually, we settled into each other’s eyes, and something interesting happened. 

We began to truly see into each other’s souls and feel our shared humanity.

We began to sense the pain and suffering the other person has endured, as well as the joy and successes. 

We began to feel a deep compassion for them and a deep curiosity.

We began to understand, in a very tangible way, that there was a whole and separate consciousness behind those eyes. A human being with its hopes and dreams, desires and fears. A human being that’s deeply vulnerable, and deeply powerful, all at the same time. 

And so, my final suggestion for those wanting to improve their eye contact is to look at others beyond their outward appearance or social status, and instead look at their spirit, consciousness, and being. (which is much less intimidating, and much more rich)

See an example of the powerful of eye contact below:

Gaze with curiosity and openness and see if your eye contact abilities improve and deepen your connections with others.

Remember, every pair of eyes holds a story waiting to be discovered, a soul waiting to be understood. 

So the next time you meet someone's gaze, consider it an invitation to explore the vast landscapes of human emotion and thought—a true reflection of the soul.

With curiosity,

Eric

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